Day 54: Black Music Month - Conya Doss

Dubbed as "The Queen of Indie Soul," Conya Doss is a singer, songwriter, and producer who defies categorization. She makes organic, feel good music that touches the soul. Doss has a unique style that feels both old school and contemporary. Like Mary J. Blige (whose timbre her voice echoes slightly), Maysa, and Adriana Evans, she's very versatile and can sing anything. Since 2002 Doss has released 6 albums, her most recent is entitled "A Pocketful of Purpose" (2012). Like a true artist, growth, maturity, and wisdom are evident with each release. Happy Black Music Month!!! :D 

Day 53: Black Music Month - Vikter Duplaix

Vikter Duplaix is an eclectic singer, songwriter, producer, multi-instrumentalist, and DJ. He's played, written, and/or produced for artists like Erykah Badu, Eric Benet, Incognito, and Esthero. His music is "Bold & Beautiful" (2006) and a "Departure" (2002) from what you hear on the radio everyday. It's "sexy soul music," as Duplaix called it, fused with electronic, house, dance, jazz, Latin, and African rhythms. It's an experience. And one you won't forget. It just might get you in trouble (in a good way). Happy Black Music Month!!! ;)

Day 52: Black Music Month - Eric Roberson

If not a current fan, you may still be familiar with Eric Roberson's music. He's written songs for artists like 112, Musiq Soulchild, Dwele, Carl Thomas, Vivian Green, and Jill Scott. He made his mark with his first single "The Moon" in 1994, which was a mainstay on urban adult contemporary radio. After nearly 20 years in the industry, Roberson's released 8 albums and has remained one of the most consistent, authentic, spirited, and relatable artists in the game. And he's done it all independently. He established his record label B.L.U.E. Erro Soul in 2001. His latest album is the acclaimed "Mister Nice Guy" (2011). Happy Black Music Month!!! :) 

Day 51: Black Music Month - Teedra Moses

Teedra Moses is like one of the industry's best-kept secrets. On that "Luxurious Undergrind," she's a singer-songwriter who's written songs for Christina Milian, Macy Gray, Trina, and Mary J. Blige to name a few. But it was her debut album, 2004's Complex Simplicity, that got fans really hooked. Not to mention, she's released several mixtapes that often rival her the studio album of peers. Her voice is distinctive, smooth, and pure. Her lyrics can pack punches just as hard some rappers. She's got a sweet yet street swag that is reminiscent of the sass of Cherrelle and Pebbles and the soulful, emotional grit of Mary J. Blige. Yet, she’s got a style that’s all her own. With her recent signing to Rick Ross's Maybach Music Group, it won't be long before the world knows just who Teedra Moses really is. Happy Black Music Month!!! :D

Announcing the Release of My First Book - "Prevail"

I'm so happy to announce the release of my first book - Prevail: Poems on Life, Love, and Politics.  It's been an arduous journey but well-worth it.  I'm elated to have achieved one of my many lifelong dreams.  It's self-published through iUniverse.  Here's the description:

Prevail: Poems on Life, Love, and Politics presents an eye-opening collection of poetry inspired by personal experiences, current events, history, culture, and social issues. This collection provides a glimpse into the mind of BuddahDesmond as he investigates our contemporary world. Written over the course of the last decade, these poems serve as an introduction to BuddahDesmond’s range, voice, and style.

Prevail is divided into three sections—life, love, and politics, each of which provides the author with an opportunity to thoroughly dissect his thoughts and feelings on each topic. “Life” challenges the notion of living happily ever after, considers the struggles of dysfunctional families, and shares the perspective of a laggard in a high-tech world. “Love” discusses the power of real, true love, the up and downs of relationships, and the difficulty finding a mate in the technosexual age. “Politics” explores the power of rhetoric and the underhanded maneuvering of politicians, as well as providing perspectives on many contemporary issues.

In this new collection, BuddahDesmond seeks to offer an underlying message of strength, persistence, and triumph.

The book is available for purchase directly from iUniverse, along with retailers like Amazon (Paperback | Hardcover | Kindle, Barnes & Noble, Book-A-Million (Paperback | Hardcover), and other retailers.  Please check it out.  If you like it/love it, spread the word and encourage others to buy it.  Be sure to stop by and "Like" the Facebook Fan Page as well.

Thank you to all the readers for the love and support over the years.  Enjoy!  Peace, Love, and Many Blessings!!!

Day 50: Black Music Month - Meshell Ndegeocello

When I saw the words "Alternative Hip Hop" emblazoned in the liner notes of Meshell Ndegeocello's debut album Plantation Lullabies (1993), I thought--how limiting. She's definitely not an artist you can lump a single category. After all, her last name in Swahili means "free like a bird." She can play/sing anything. Her music is passionate yet cerebral. And when it comes to funky bass players she's one of the baddest in the game! Happy Black Music Month!!! :D

Day 49: Black Music Month - Lenny Kravitz

When compared to his contemporaries Lenny Kravitz is in a league all his own. He's an extremely gifted singer, songwriter, arranger, producer, and multi-instrumentalist who marches to the beat of his own drum. His retro-leaning music is an extraordinary blend of rock, funk, r&b/soul, folk, and reggae (to name a few). Album after album Kravitz proves that you can have style with substance and purpose. Happy Black Music Month!!! :D

Day 48: Black Music Month - Janet Jackson

Just as Marvin Gaye did with "What's Going On," Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" (the song and accompanying album Rhythm Nation 1814) proved that music could still be hit-worthy and entertaining yet socially conscious, relevant, soulful and funky. Happy Black Music Month!!! :)

Check out my previous post, All 4 Janet.

Day 47: Black Music Month - Chaka Khan

When Chaka Khan burst onto the scene as the lead singer of Rufus back in the 70s--the world was never quite the same. Jazz, Soul, Funk, Rock, Gospel, Pop--you name it she can sing it (effortlessly). Her inimitable, stratospheric vocals, unique style, and stage presence still leave audiences captivated to this day. A beautiful singer, songwriter, and musician--she's truly one of a kind. And most certainly--iconic and legendary. Happy Black Music Month!!! :D

Day 46: Without You

The pain hit me all at once.
I thought I was going to pull through.

It'd been three weeks since you left.
Didn't feel a tremor or shed a tear.
And suddenly, it was like the environment in the instance of a landslide–it just keep coming
And I'm wondering when it'll stop.
Guess you meant a little more to me than I cared to admit.

I couldn’t let the emotions get the best of me while in the relationship,
But they're tearing my ass up right about now.
I can't seem to keep my composure.
I've never fallen this deep.
I feel like pavement and the a loss of love pounds me incessantly.

All I know is I have to pull thru this.
But I don't know if I can make it without you.

© BuddahDesmond

Day 45: Whenever the Feeling Comes Along

Whenever the feeling comes along—the one that I can't shake because it shakes me—
I have to close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and think about something unrelated.

Whenever the feeling comes along I'm temporarily paralyzed.
Can't seem to move, think, or speak normally.
A momentary loss;
Have to make myself snap out of it to get beyond it.

Whenever that feeling takes over,
I have to regain my composure.
It's like I'm fighting against a foreign invader–with everything within me—to win.

Whenever that feeling comes along,
I have to do what I can to conquer it.
Don't want to be the victim of my own defeat.
Can't pass the blame on anyone else if I can't deal;

It all comes back to me.

Whenever the feeling comes along—I have to be strong.

© BuddahDesmond

Day 44: Once Upon a Groove

When the beat drops I just have to ride it
Never going against it,
Just naturally flowing with it
When it hits it captures me,
Seizes my soul,
Taking control of every word I say and every move I make

This groove colors the night,
Painting scenes never realized before,
Igniting otherworldly emotions,
And deepened connections.
Don't want this musical excursion to end.

Why should we ever have to step outside of this groove?
If I were its proprietor I could mass market this experience
      so that everyone could get a fix.
Cause after a groove like this–how can your life ever be the same?

© BuddahDesmond

Day 43: Closure

I've searched my mind so many times in the last few days

     to find whatever it is that I did to be whited out, erased,

     terminated from the picture.

The search results came back null.

Even when I did boolean, it rendered my time and efforts useless.

I'm still trying to understand how it all got to this point,

     and why everything feels so disjointed.

All I want is a reason—

     A real reason.

Aren't I good enough for that?

Aren't I deserving at the very least of that?

Maybe you acted in haste,

     but the actions still remain unchanged.

At least respect me enough to tell me what I did

     that was so wrong— 

So I can properly move on,

So I can learn,

So I won't repeat what made me obsolete

     in a world I was led to believe I belonged in.

But as as we know now—we were both wrong.

For the sake of closure—could you just fill me in?

© BuddahDesmond

Day 42: 100% Phony

Nothing rings true
Nothing quite real
It's all staged and scripted
Better than make believe
Left wondering if anything gets past the pretense
So contrived
Like co-stars with bad chemistry
Though they keep trying--disbelief is never suspended
Except for those weak, naive minds who continue to fall for it
Meanwhile, those in the know are waiting for the showdown

If you ever wonder why the reception is icy
or lacks the warmth you feel you're accustomed to
check yourself
You may not be as genuine as you think you are
You may not be genuine at all
Just fake and phony
100% fake and phony

(c) BuddahDesmond 

Day 41: Apologies

If you really meant what you said, why apologize?
Anyone could feel the words,
they were jam-packed with passion.
Could the presentation have been different?
Yes.
Could your tone have been less caustic?
Yes.
If anything, you should apologize for how you said what you said.
Otherwise it's meaningless.
Phony apologies don't suffice in any instance.
Unless it's sincere and heartfelt--keep it to yourself.

(c) BuddahDesmond

Day 40 - Just Jill: Words & Sounds Live

Recently had the opportunity to catch Jill Scott live as part of her Summer Block Party tour. And what an amazing experience it was. Still think and dream about it to this day. So I wrote this poem as an ode to her magnificence.

Just Jill: Words & Sounds Live

There's something about Jill–
Natural beauty and wonder,
Talent that seems limitless,
Has a heart and soul so deep, so pure that it boggles one's capacity
     to understand.
She gets you as soon as she makes her appearance–
Immediately captured.
She's a musical wizard,
Who casts her spell within the first few notes.
The studio is great,
But there's nothing like the real thing live.

Jill's larger than life spirit commands the stage.
Head held high, never down;
Always standing in high-esteem like a regal Goddess,
Like the Queen that she is.
Undeniable authenticity,
And a familiarity that makes you feel as if you're in the good hands of a
     loved one.
Jill's better than your best friend–
     she's family.
So real, so genuine, so true;
She goes places very few dare to go on and off the stage.
Saying all things we'd like to say so beautifully, so eloquently–
She's not afraid to go there.
She's fearless.
She's wide open to the point of being selfless.
That's why we relate;
That's why we–your core fans–just can't let anything get in the way of 
     what we're feeling when it comes to you.

Jill takes us on a journey–one we'll always wish could last a little while
     longer.
The ride is an indelible experience–
One we'd relive any chance we get.
Because Jill's the whole package;
Never needing to depend on the pyrotechnics to put on a great show–
She's golden like that,
She's divinely touched,
And we are so grateful that we can experience the blessings.

Whatever it is, whatever it is;
Let it be, let it be.
YES!
Let us PLEASE let Jill Scott be!

© BuddahDesmond

Day 39: OUT (Written in Honor of National Coming Out Day)

In honor of National Coming Out Day, here's a piece that I wrote entitled "OUT."

Nothing worse than being silenced, especially in an environment where your voice has a rightful place to be loud and heard.
Nothing worse than living in fear because you don't know how family, friends, community or the larger society will deal with the "real" you.
Nothing worse than living a lie because you succumbed to complacency and conformity of cultural or societal norms.
Nothing is worse than hiding from everything and everyone (including yourself) because you've been led to believe that you are less than or simply not worthy.
It's bullshit.

Nothing should come before you, your authenticity, or your well-being.
You were made divinely and with a purpose regardless of what mortal beings may tell you.
So honor yourself.
Not just today but everyday.
Because nothing is better than being free.
Nothing is better than being your whole, true self.
Nothing is better than loving yourself.
Nothing is better than love.

(c) BuddahDesmond

Day 38: Adriana Evans - Walking With The Night

There’s something about Adriana Evans. That “something” enraptured me (yet again) while I was finishing my last final exam this weekend. Within the first few bars of “Waiting,” the first track off of her latest album “Walking With The Night,” I was spellbound by her rich musical landscape. Her music is an intoxicating mix of classic soul, funk, hip-hop, jazz, and Afro-Cuban and Brazilian rhythms. Her voice--an instrument that is reminiscent of the preeminent jazz vocalists of our time--is the soulful, sweet, sublime element that brings everything together. Like all great singers, she could sing anything and make you pay attention. It’s artistry. It’s realness. It’s music from the heart. And you can feel it. Whether it’s the latest album or one of her previous efforts, it won’t be long before you can’t get it out of her hypnotic music out of your mind. Aside from “Waiting” and the title track, songs that stay on repeat are “Surrender,” “Midnight,” “Set in Stone,” “Never Thought” and the album closer “El Sol” (which is one of several songs from her catalog that I believe provides an excellent snapshot of her artistry). Like her previous releases, I’ll be jamming to “Walking Into The Night” for life.

Evans made her self-titled debut back in 1997. This effort was one of several to lead the pack of what was being dubbed “neo classical soul” in the mid-to-late 90s. Her singles “Seein’ Is Believing” and “Love Is All Around” received moderate airplay on urban adult contemporary stations. But just as she was making headway, she disappeared from the “mainstream” music scene. I had been wondering for years when we’d be graced with her presence again. And in 2004 while finishing my final quarter undergrad, I came across some music from her “Nomadic” album. I was ecstatic. Fast forward to 2006 when I discovered that Adriana Evans “Remember The Love” (from the “Nomadic” album) was chosen to be the theme song to Patrick Ian Polk’s “Noah’s Arc” series. A black gay series on television with a soundtrack supporting indie and underrated musicians – it was a win-win. The series featured several other songs from “Nomadic” and Evans 2007 release “El Camino.” Thanks to Polk Evans and other artists music was exposed to a wider audience. It’s still a shame that music like this isn’t flooding the airwaves. However, unlike the non-believers whose ears aren’t to the ground, we know that real music still exists. Therefore, we must continue to support it. We can’t wait for mainstream to pay attention. We must talk it about, blog about it, tweet it, and share it on our social media and networking profiles. Keeping good, real, authentic music alive is a necessity!

Day 37: Love & Bills

"Love don't pay the bills!"  How many times have we heard this statement?  If we could cash in every time we heard it, we'd probably have some hefty bank accounts.  While it may be true, shouldn't we be digging a little deeper?  Love is more powerful than money.  More spiritual.  More meaningful.  Money is tangible but does not last forever.  Love is ever-lasting.  Once you've got it--you've got it.  You may not always be in love.  But you will always love and be loved.  That's what makes you rich. 

Whether you're by yourself or in a committed relationship--you'll find a way to pay the bills.  With love on tap, you'll work to find a way.  That's if you want to.  That's if you care.  That's also when faith, loyalty, devotion, and due diligence come into play.  Money can bring you lots of things, but love is not one of them.  And love can bring many things as well...  So much so that you may not realize how truly blessed you are.  Maybe that's what The-Dream was getting at on Love Vs. Money...  Well, one hopes that's what he meant. :-)

Day 36: Analog Life Vs. Digital Life

I think my analog life will always win over my digital life . There's just something more personal, more comforting, more reassuring about it.  While my digital life may have greater reach in a shorter period of time, it's hard for me to believe that it will ultimately have the same touch, impact, and feel of my analog life.

Day 35: The Gift & The Curse

The further you run away or ignore life's gifts, the more they will haunt you.  The haunting can make them seem curse-like.  It's a calling that we each must heed eventually.  It's where passions, dreams, and destiny all meet up.  It's an extraordinary collision course that puts us in the right place, the right time, and the right moment.

Day 34: Communication

Sometimes when I say "I wonder why I bother," it's due to some miscommunication or misunderstanding.  But I can never own up to it as being a sole responsibility of mine.   Communication is typically not a one-way happening.  If you end up in a place where I didn't intend to take you (and vice versa), it's the responsibility of both of us to get back to where we each need to be.  We have to work together, actively listen, pay attention, and make light of confusion or pinpoint where issues need to be addressed.  That's the only way we will ever be able to successfully communicate with each other.

Day 33: Loving Yourself

There's no way in the world that anyone can tell me that you can love fully and completely when you don't love yourself.  You cannot let go.  You cannot really embrace.  You cannot allow yourself to fall.  You're too guarded.  Too scared.  Too worried.  Even if you find someone who loves you the way you need to be loved, total acceptance still won't be possible.  You're too blocked.  You've got too much personal baggage.  You've got to release it.  You've got to fall in love with yourself before you can really allow someone else to love you.

Day 32: A Direct Route to Divine Power

Man can proclaim to be as wholly holy, devout, and pure as possible.  But it never changes our human nature.  Our innate fallibility and imperfection.  Our tendency to pass judgment, to boast, and be haughtily bound in our approach.  Some of us can't help being ourselves in everything man has "created" - even religion.  We were made in his image but are not the image.  We may be Christians or working to be Christians, but we are not Christ.  We are not God, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, Shiva, or any god of worship.  That's why I will never allow anyone to tell me about how I should live my life, force their beliefs upon me, or tell me about how my relationship works with The Creator.  It's personal territory.  It's mine.  It's about my spirituality and my spirituality determines how I believe my relationship should be.  Advice and guidance are one thing.  But you do not rule my path to higher power.  Because I - like you, like everyone else - has a direct route all day, everyday.  And there's nothing that any man can do to change that.

Day 31: On A Mission

I doubt there will ever come a time when we will like everything and everybody in this universe.  We're fickle, finicky, and at times very adamant about what we like (and don't like).  And other times, we can be downright nasty about it.  Shady too.  Knowing this - why would we ever strive to to please everybody?  We need to please ourselves first and foremost.  Maybe we'd stand a better chance at achieving the things we're so passionate about.  Maybe then we'd be on a mission that nothing and no one could abolish.  That's when you know it's deep.  That's when you know it's meant for you.  That's when people can say or do anything but won't break your faith, determination, or steadfast nature.  When you're on a mission to please you (and The Creator) nothing will stop you.

Day 30: Obligation & Convenience in Relationships

Two things that can keep someone in a relationship are convenience and obligation.  After a particular span of time, people get complacent.  They become very comfortable with where they are.  Even when they know they deserve better - they stay.  They'd rather suffer than make the move on to something better suited for themselves.  They also may be weary of hurting their mates feelings.  And they may be feeling that staying (because of the time put in - amongst other things) is what they're supposed to do.  Well, you've got to think about your heart.  If after all this time things still haven't changed or don't look like they will change - it's time to go.  Doesn't matter what or who you're leaving behind.  Happiness and joy are not worth your accommodating someone who is not meant for you.  Why suffer in silence?  Put yourself first.

Day 29: The Way You See Yourself

One must think as positive about themselves as possible.  The way you think and feel about yourself reflects and reveals itself to others.  So if you have a negative view of yourself - you may need to take a step back and re-think how you see yourself and change it.  Positivity goes a long way and always makes a substantial difference in many of life's situations.

Day 28: Getting Beyond Blame

We have the power to make great changes in our lives. Our power, in this vein, can manifest in both good and bad ways. At times, we can be our best champions or our worst detractors. And when we detract from ourselves—time to recover and recoup can be lengthy. After a certain phase in our lives, it matters not whether others or we were to blame for our misfortunes. That's because the responsibility for the outcome and our personal resolution(s) remains with us. This responsibility cannot be placed elsewhere. No scapegoating or excuses, because our power and our choices will be at play. It’s imperative that we use our power and make choices wisely.  We must get beyond the blame.

Day 27: Other People & Their Problems

When it comes to other people and other people's problems - there's only little we can do.  It's up to them to make the changes and transitions necessary for improvements in life. You can advise, counsel, support, and love them all you want.  But if they don't want things to be better for themselves - you might as well proceed like it's business (your business) as usual.

Day 26: Make Time For Yourself

Doesn't make sense to run yourself into the ground.  You've got to make time to replenish yourself. Do the things you love to do.  Do the things that relax you.  The things that keep you centered when everything around you has embraced insanity as its BFF.  Do for you what no one else can.  Make the time.  Take the time to care for you.

Day 25: Fear

Fear can be debilitating.  It can hold you captive, but in a way that is more detrimental to you and your progress.  You have to get over the insecurities, the self-doubt, and all that you've allowed to hold you back.  You have to let go if you want to claim what's rightfully yours (completely, without the baggage).

Day 24: Ego-Tripping

Here's a little reality check for all those who've been ego-tripping lately... There's more to life & more to the world than you.

Day 23: Faith & Determination

When you're really pushing to achieve something the negative forces will always try to deter you.   This is especially true during our bleakest and most difficult times.  You have to be steadfast and hold on to your faith.  It isn't easy.  But it's better coming out of the fire having done the right thing instead of the wrong thing.

Day 22: Outside The Comfort Zone

The tried & true methods are not always the best ways to approach problems.  Sometimes you have to step outside of the place where you feel most comfortable in order to move forward.  Looking towards new methods you are not accustomed to may be the way to go.  Take the risk - you never know.

Day 21: Balance

There's something to be said about someone who is so selfless and giving of themselves to other things and people.  There's also something to be said about someone who is so selfless and giving that they neglect themselves. You've got to find the balance between everything, everyone else, and you. Otherwise, this kind of imbalance can lead to self-inflicted burn out (amongst so many other things).

Day 20: So-called Communication

Doesn't seem to be many of us around who are interested in or care to really communicate anymore.  So much is misunderstood, misconstrued, and taken out or put in the wrong context.  If we thought before we spoke (or wrote), did our research, went straight to the source instead of making assumptions and passing judgment, and asked the right people the right questions - so much bullshit would be eliminated.

Day 19: Real Greatness

You may be the best at what you do.  Amazingly gifted and talented.  But none of that matters if you aren't using what you've been blessed with to inspire, motivate, nurture, guide, and assist those coming up with or behind you.  It's about giving back what you've been so fortunate with.  Is there anything worse than a truly talented person who's not only boastful, arrogant and egotistical but selfish too?

Day 18: Talking Shit

People will always have shit to say.  It's part of the human makeup.  Unfortunately, the things people say tend to be more on the illogical, biased, ignorant, or negative side.  But when there's a problem or an issue that needs to be addressed, if you're not bringing anything relevant or constructive to the table - do everyone else a favor & shut the fuck up!

Day 17: No More

No more second guessing
Time to cast away the doubts,
The insecurities and the fears
And go with my gut instincts
The first thought or answer to come to mind is usually true

No more beating up myself
What's done is done -- it's a thing of the past
Time to accept it, reflect upon it, gain from it, and move on

No more bouts with despair
Time to move beyond and get over things that I simply do not have the power
Or control to change

No more worrying
Time to channel that energy into something better
Something useful
Something creative
Time to just live and let it be

No more tears being wasted
On those who said that they loved me
Or those who said that they cared
It's their loss, not yours

No more sweating the small stuff
Because it's just that
Time to accept letdowns and disappointments as tests of character,
Endurance and strength
They are gifts in disguise
It's all a part of life's journey
And I'm going to enjoy the ride
Whatever happens, happens
However the cards will be dealt
I can guarantee this:
The game will be played and it will be played well

I am now more aware of myself than ever before
I realize that nothing is wrong with me
I am perfectly fine
No more downgrading or shortchanging
I accept myself for who I am
I will not bow down or fall victim to the expectations
Of what everyone says I am supposed to be

No more
I am all of who I am supposed to be and much more
Take it or leave it

(c) BuddahDesmond

Day 16: Round Midnight: A Tribute to Great-Grandpa

On the afternoon of March 14th, my great-grandfather died.  He was 95 years old.  He'd been sick for the last several months.  He was semi-comatose during the last several weeks of his life.  But up until that time - he was still hanging, still going strong.  He lived a long happy life.  Not many people live that long.  And it's truly a remarkable thing.  He was a devoted husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather.  He was a supporter, inspiration, mentor, and role model.  He was a military veteran who took pride in serving his country and worked in the federal government for 33 years.  He was also a self-taught jazz musician who didn't read music.  He had several instrumental and vocal bands that toured the East coast.  Music was his passion.  Though he didn't get to completely follow his passion due to his love and commitment to his family, his passion for music and his talent never ceased.  He is one of the reasons why my love for music (jazz in particular) and singing is so strong.  He gave me a deeper appreciation for jazz and musicianship.  So this one's for Jazzman Gus, one of many names he was affectionately called.  Here's a classic jazz tune, "Round Midnight" written by the phenomenal pianist/composer Thelonious Monk and performed by Sassy/The Divine One, Sarah Vaughan.

Day 15: You Know What The Bible Says...

A few weeks ago I came out to one of my best childhood buddies.  We'd known each since the fourth grade.  Though we lost touch a few times along the way due to distance, we never lost our bond or connection.  It seemed to grow stronger over the years.  We went through and experienced a lot - individually and collectively.  And he'd been there with me - through most of it.

So I have no idea why I waited so long to come out to him.  There's a part of me that didn't think he'd have a problem with it and that he'd be fine.  I thought, "Hell, he probably already knows - he's just waiting for me to tell him."  And then there's another part of me that was hesitant.  When I was away in college, he became a born-again Christian.  And I thought that there's a great possibility that he either won't accept me or if he does - he might rub the sin, scripture, Bible, Christian thing at me.

I wanted to speak with him in person or at least over the phone about this.  But due to hectic schedules, we kept missing each other. So I opted to do it via email (not my mode of choice, but hey...).  Here's a portion of his reply to my email:

You know I look at you as a brother and really want you to live a long, prosperous, joyous & blessed life. You also know my religious views being a Christian rapper and all I'm sure you know where the Christian belief stands on homosexuality. The bible tells me that it's a sin against God, but it also says that no sin is greater than another and that sin (including homosexuality) can be forgiven. You see God loves is greater than anything sin and His love is the definition of unconditional... My beliefs will not allow me to celebrate what the Word of God calls sin HOWEVER just as God still loves you; so do I. It doesn't mean that the bond of friendship is any weaker on my end...

I just don't know what or how to respond.  I was both angry and somewhat content with the response. Content because this is what I was expecting him to say and this is why I was hesitant in telling him anyway.  Angry because I'm so sick and tired of hearing this sin bullshit.  And I'm sorry but it's bullshit.  God made me the way that I am for a reason.  My being gay is not a choice or something that I can just turn on and off like a light switch.  It's part of me.  It doesn't consume me and it doesn't cloud everything that I do.  But you cannot acknowledge me in totality without acknowledging that part of me.  And as a lifelong friend, I guess I was just thinking that he'd be able to see completely beyond this and accept me totally, wholly.  Maybe I'm asking for too much.  Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.  Maybe I asked for it.  But at what point do you get beyond the scripture to the realness in life and the substance of the realness staring in your face....in all of its divinity?  What would you do?

Day 14: From Beauty to Ugliness

Welcome to the Blizzard of 2010!  It's winter in the DC Metro Area and it's a big mess.  After over 20 inches of snow, people are losing or have lost their minds, patience, and humanity (practically). People were fighting in the grocery stores over food.  Driving like bats out of hell on the roads.  And expecting cleaning crews to do magic tricks to get things back in order.  With this much snow, normalcy will be a dream not achieved for some time.  Many of our neighborhoods still have yet to be plowed, many of us don't have power, and have no way of getting around (if you're depending on public transportation).

My fiance' & I have been without power and heat since last Friday night (when the storm hit).  You could see your breath in front of your face in our place.  It was just that cold.  We couldn't spend another night at home so we decided to try to get a hotel room.  Because the roads were so bad we couldn't get to the strip where most of the hotels were in our area (Rockville/Bethesda), so we ended up heading to my mom & granny's house.  What was usually a one-hour trip took almost two hours.  It was a scary trip.  Many of the street lights were out.  Only the left and right lanes were clear.  The center lanes were full of ice and compacted snow.  We were on edge the whole way.  But we made it safely (thank god).

Since the roads are still terrible - we're staying put (working from mom & granny's until further notice).  I typically take public transportation to and from work everyday so you know that's out of the question.  The underground stations are the only stations being serviced.  Bus and Marc train service is limited. You'd be out of your mind to even think about a taxi.

There's really not much we can do besides hoping and praying for the best.  The really sad part of it all is that this area never seems to be prepared for any major emergency.  And I think for it to be the DC Metro Area that it's totally unacceptable.  People are freezing in their homes, looking for their next meals... They can't even get off their streets to go to the store let alone to work.  Pepco can't get to the affected areas without power because plows have yet to clear many streets (especially in Montgomery County).  Had this been technological or biological warfare it would be every man, woman, and child for themselves.  I can't bare to imagine what it would be in either of these situations...  The meteorologists are predicting that we may get another foot or more of snow between Tuesday and Wednesday...

Snow...  It's so beautiful and peaceful when it snows.  So quiet, so Edenic, so pure...  But in the aftermath - snow loses it's beauty and brings out the ugliness in people, the process for clean-up, and the issues that arise when government fails to have a plan in place in the event of a snow emergency.  Yes, welcome to the Blizzard of 2010!

Day 13: At the Fork in the Road

I've been sitting at my computer for several hours this evening...  Much of it was spent staring at the screen, staring into space, or staring at the tablet of paper I'd been scribbling on.  I couldn't concentrate for the life of me.  I've been so busy at work (and kinda at home) that I don't think my mind has been able to rest unless I was actually sleeping.  And if it lingers for too long - I start to get pissed and will get really close to saying "fuck it."  With the schedule I have and the deadlines between work, school, and my personal life - I don't always have the luxury of saying "fuck it."  But I've been more than willing to pay the consequences when I did it in the past...lol.

At this point in my professional life, I feel as if I'm longing, yearning for more.  I love the job and what I'm doing (or what I've done).  But I'm just not feeling that fulfilled.  I'm bored.  I feel as if I'm on auto-tune...just going thru the motions - not anywhere near as enthusiastic as I used to be.  And this is something that has not changed in the last few months.  And the feelings seem to be strengthening.  I feel like I need to be challenged in new and exciting ways.  And I'm just not seeing it where I am now.  That is unless things change.  We're still in the midst of re-organization (however this process hasn't been addressed to us formally since April 2009).  We just turned in our performance appraisals a few weeks ago.  It'll be awhile before our supervisor gets back to us about them.  I can say that I did quite a bit in 2009 and I did it all to the best of my ability.  But am I that thrilled about any of it anymore?  No, not really.  On top of that, I just don't feel as if I fit in with department anymore.  I feel kinda out of place.  The culture in my department has/is changing again - and it's changing rapidly.  Nothing like what it used to be in first two years.  And I'm not sure that that's a good thing either.

So I think I've come to the fork in the road.  I'm at the crossroads.  And the part that worries (and I'm not sure that "worries" is the best word) me most is the fact that I haven't quite figured out what to do about it.  I don't necessarily want to leave the company.  And I don't want to leave the people I've become close with.  But I don't want to squalor in complacency or contempt either.  I'm blessed to have bit a talents, gifts, skills, and experience to pull from.  It's just a matter of what I'm going to pull from and where do I want it to take me next.  Whatever it is - I'm sure I'll make the best decision I see fit for me personally and professionally.  I just hope and pray it'll go well.  One things for sure - I cannot afford to be depressed about my worklife.  I don't have time for that shit.  Gotta keep it moving if that's the case.  I'll just have to hold tight however, until something else/better comes along. Pray for me...

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Now playing: Vanessa Williams - Just Friends
via FoxyTunes

Day 12: Poetry Spotlight - Not Anymore

Not Anymore

Taking out the trash.
Getting rid of all the old shit.
Locating all the hidden treasures that squandered
     in the presence of you.

Started over.
Went from lost to found.
Spirit renewed–found a new love,
Not as costly or exhausting as the love I had
     with you.

Got it right this time.
Didn't give way to self-doubt.
No more self-interrogation.
No longer being the criminal to the victim always played
     by you.
I realized when problems in relationships arise,
It's usually not just one party to blame–it's two.

I've washed myself clean.
Still have my issues,
But I acknowledge them and make it known.
There's always room for improvement.
But I can be myself.
No need to hide or disguise face, as if I would at heartbreak's
     masquerade ball.
I've been welcomed and accepted completely.
And did I say loved?
Loved like nobody's business.
Loved better than I could ever dream of.
So there's no need
     to look back
     anymore.

(c) 2009 BuddahDesmond

Day 11: Poetry Spotlight - Ain't Worth It

Ain't Worth It

Why get fully vested in something that has yet to prove
     its future's promise?
Why get emotionally involved when you still are unsure
     if he or she has your heart and you have theirs?
What's the sense in crying over it if the tears and your efforts
     won't change a thing?

When substance isn't fully formed,
And the foundation is absent or still weak–
It's too much to give your all if you haven't seen a return...
     especially when he or she is fixed, unbending.

When the union can't get beyond shallow matters–
Ain't no sense looking for depth.
Cause superficial love ain't love at all.
It's all a facade–
A fantasy of what it could but will never be.

If you're looking in others for what you can't do or find in yourself–
You're hopeless.
You're only killing time–yours and others–
When you drag someone else along and you're not ready
    (or you know they're not ready) for the commitment.
The wise choice:
Go play.
Get it out of your system.
Or stay single until you're ready.
Cause it ain't worth it.

(c) BuddahDesmond
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Now playing: Amel Larrieux - Weary
via FoxyTunes

Day 10: Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way Every Day"

For the last few weeks I've been reading Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way Every Day: A Year of Creative Living.  I find the information to be very inspiring, motivating, and refreshing.   Being a creative, artistic person - this is the jump start I need to begin the new year.  I've noticed since late last summer that I've had very few opportunities to delve deeply into my creative self.  And it's been killing me.  I feel like I've been neglecting a part of myself that I've otherwise had no problem nourishing.  And considering the fact that I started nourishing this part of myself at the early age of four - I'm like, "What the hell happened?"  But I won't fret.  I've never been one to force my creative self into doing something just to do it.  I have to feel it.  I have to be in the mood.  Each time I force myself into doing anything in this regard I hate the outcome.  And whatever is produced usually goes in the trash.  I realize that I need to give my creative self the space to process, exist, and grow.  And that I need to uplift and inspire my creative self just like I would any other component of my being.  I can move on now with a better perspective.  Here are a few takeaways from the book.

From January 11: "We expect our artist to be able to function without giving it what it needs to do so. An artist requires the upkeep of creative solitude. An artist requires the healing of time alone" (p. 17).

From January 13: "Writing goes much better when we don't work at it so much. When we give ourselves the permission to just hang out on the page" (p. 19).

From January 15: "When we open ourselves to something or someone greater than ourselves working through us, we paradoxically open ourselves to our own greatest selves" (p. 21).

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Now playing: Mary J. Blige - Each Tear
via FoxyTunes

Day 9: Rihanna - Rated R

I must say that I was quite surprised after listening to Rihanna's latest album.  I found it to be quite good.  It's a dark, emotional album that offers a deeper glimpse into the mind and artistry of one of the world's most popular singers/entertainers.  The sound and style of this album is quite different from what we've heard before (which may be one of many reasons why some fans have turned away). There's a musical versatility not quite seen on previous releases.  Rihanna's vocal performances seem a little more seasoned and confident and sprinkled with more emotion (thankfully).  And I think we now see the perfect melding of her image and musical style.  It may not flow well on this side of the Atlantic but that's probably due in large part to the fickle nature of our audience.  I give Rihanna lots of credit for pushing her talent into a different direction and taking some risks.  One thing the world didn't need was Girl Good Gone Bad, Part II.  And with "Hard" becoming her 13th top ten hit on the Billboard Charts, looks like "Rihanna Reign" won't be letting up anytime soon.

Day 8: Melanie Fiona - The Bridge

One of my favorite album's lately has been Melanie Fiona's The Bridge.  After seeing the video and spinning the single "Give It To Me Right" for months, I was psyched about the getting this album. Fiona had been generating quite a bit of buzz, especially after touring as the opening act for Kanye West on his "Glow In The Dark Tour" (in Europe).  With all the buzz, one still wonders why her album was pushed back so many times.  The record had been finished for quite some time (and not to mention it was released in Europe in 2008).  Let me guess - label politics?  But all that aside - the wait was worth it.  Fiona has put together an album that is memorable from start to finish.  It has a vintage feeling yet modern style and sensibilities.  It's soul through and through.  And like Raphael Saadiq's The Way I See It and Solange's Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams, it harks back to the old school music of the 60's and 70's without sounding too nostalgic, gimmicky, or unoriginal.  The music, lyrics, and Fiona's rich, smoky voice make The Bridge an album that you can listen to over and over for years to come.  These are tunes all music lovers can enjoy. Aside from the first single, my other favorites include "It Kills Me," "You Stop My Heart," "Teach Him," and "Bang Bang," and "Monday Morning."   Check it out!

Day 7: Sade - Soldier Of Love

The day all Sade fans have been waiting for is coming!  The long-awaiting, highly-anticipated release date for Sade's sixth studio album, Soldier of Love, is February 8, 2010!  Mark your calendars.  Put in your pre-orders. This looks like it could be one of 2010's best releases.  It's been nearly 10 years since the release of Sade's last studio album, Lovers' Rock.  That album was a masterpiece and I'm sure the new album will be as well.  Sade - one of the queen's of the Quiet Storm, the voice of seductive, passionate soul music will be in full effect very soon.  I can't wait.  Real music always prevails.  Need not worry about "singles" or airplay, because artists of this caliber will have a devoted following and will sell regardless.  Looks like I'll be getting a b-day gift a week early.  Yay!  :)

Day 6: Chrisette Michele - One of this Generation's Best Vocalists

I've been loving Chrisette Michele for a few years now.  Her most recent album - Epiphany - stays in rotation.  I play it once and cannot seem to stop playing it again.  The sign of a great album is one that leaves a lasting impression on you.  It moves you.  You can't get the music out of your head.  It just hits the spot (or several spots).   This album, I must say, is one of the best R&B/Soul releases of the year.  While it may have been criticized for not having as many of the jazz-inflected arrangements as her debut, there's no denying the jazzy vocals from this songbird.  Her voice is a mystical, musical instrument with personality, lots of color, varying tones, shades, and timbres, and a wide range.  It's sexy, soulful, and passionate.  And it has a girlish quality that is reminiscent of the late great Ella Fitzgerald (one of her greatest influences - along with Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday, and Natalie Cole to name a few).  She has the innate gift to sing anything and make it believable.  She takes you there.  You're riding with her from beginning to end.  And every song is a performance.  Each one different from the last.  Which also brings to mind another great lady of song - Phyllis Hyman.  Though she sounds nothing like Phyllis Hyman - there's something about the way she delivers a song that reminds me of Phyllis Hyman.  Phyllis Hyman owned her songs.  She commanded the stage.  She took you on a ride.  It didn't matter where she was taking you because you so happy and so moved to go along anyway.  And that's what Chrisette Michele does.  If she continues to grow the way she has been, she will go down as not only one of the best singers of her time but one of the best singers of all time as well.

Day 5: Oprah - The End of One Era, The Beginning of a New Era

 Image courtesy of Parade

In 2011, after 25 seasons, The Oprah Winfrey Show will be saying its last hurrah. This shocking announcement seems to have stunned viewers and the entertainment industry. But Oprah said she knew in her spirit that it was time to say goodbye. It's been a remarkable, historical, uplifting journey for Oprah, the show, her staff, and her viewers. She went on to become the most, if not one of the most powerful women in the entertainment industry. According to Forbes, her net worth is $2.7 billion. I know that amount is astonishing. But what's even more so is that she did it her way. Oprah set out to do what she wanted and she achieved that (and much more). She used her power and influence to bring about good in the world. She overcame obstacles and became an inspiration to millions of fans across world. Though the show is ending, the industry/world is looking to see what she produces on OWN - the Oprah Winfrey Network. Though it's unclear who is the heir apparent, it's clear that Oprah has not finished her work yet. There's still more to do. And the world will be looking forward to her next move. Oprah - an inspiration, a trailblazer, a humanitarian, and a living legend.

Day 4: The Ever-Dependable Public Transit

I thought this was funny yet so true.  I took this picture while waiting for the bus one morning on my way to work.  Ride On bus runs in Montgomery County, MD.  Not all routes throughout the county are created equally when it comes to convenience and dependability.  If you are trying to get somewhere on time you better leave your house 20-30 minutes earlier than normal (especially if you have to get on the train).  Otherwise you are going to be late.  Sometimes the buses are extremely late and so packed with patrons you can see the people before you actually see the bus.  Or the bus may not show at all.  It can be extremely frustrating, especially when it's freezing outside and all you want to do is go home.  So I can understand why someone would say Ride On "SUCKS".  Now with the American flag on the post, how would you interpret the photo?  Ride On Sucks America?  God Bless Ride On?  Or Only God Can Save Montgomery County Ride On Buses from Sucking?  LOL!

Day 3: Lady GaGa's Latest - "Bad Romance"

Lady GaGa gets more and more intriguing with every release.  I recently saw the video for her latest single, "Bad Romance."  While I don't care for the song (even after several listens), I thoroughly enjoyed the video.  She's a very creative artist who seems to take what she does seriously.   GaGa knows how to get everyone talking with her brand of performance art.  The bold imagery, the haute couture, the intricate choreography, the outlandish, wild wigs and hairpieces, in-your-face attitude, and the unique lyrical content, style and sound of the music - it keeps you glued to the screen.  Her videos and performances seem to be more extraordinary than the music (for example, her video for "Paparazzi" and the performance of the same song on this year's MTV Video Music Awards).  She's stepping out ahead of the class. And if she continues to push the boundaries (like many of those before her) and push herself creatively, the masses will continue to flock to her and follow her.  What's your take?

Day 2: Autumn Leaves - Everything Must Change

When my bf and I were leaving my mother and my granny's house last weekend, we noticed several leaves that had fallen in the driveway.  Many of these leaves were from two of the four sycamore trees in the yard.  I noticed one particular leaf and was taken by how beautiful it was.  The shape, the color, the stem, the veins - it seemed perfect.  I hadn't seen a leaf quite this beautiful since I used to play with, make art with, and rake them as a child.  Or maybe I simply hadn't taken the time to notice them as I got older.  Something that will never change is my love of autumn leaves (and the season in general).  I can attribute the rich colors of leaves (and autumn) to why I love earth tones.  It's a wonderful, gorgeous time of year.  A sign that things are changing.  All symbolic of the cycle that nature follows every season, every year.  And it brings to mind a favorite standard of mine, "Everything Must Change."  Take a listen to the late, great Walter Jackson with his breathtaking version of this tune.

Day 1: MJ's This Is It

My bf and I had the privilege of seeing This Is It last month. I have to say that this was one of the best movies I've seen this year. I left with an even greater appreciation for the man behind the music. I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know if it was going to be documentary, a performance film, or a combination of both. It turned out to be a spectacular combination of both. The film told the story of how Michael Jackson and his tour crew prepared for the This Is It shows in London. From the rehearsal of the first song "Wanna Be Startin' Something" to the final, moving performance of the spine-chilling "Man In The Mirror," it was clear to see that Michael Jackson was just as bad as he was in his younger years. Anyone who wondered whether he still had it (not me) would be floored by what they saw. The artistry, the moves, the voice, the stage presence were just as strong as ever. That's the thing about true talent. It never leaves. It never goes away. Regardless of what happened, there's nothing that could take away what was inside of him. And you could eerily feel his presence–so strong–while watching the film. I cried at least 5 times while watching his performances. Almost didn't think I was going to make it through the film because it was such an emotional experience. Michael Jackson was true genius. He's still missed. With films like This Is It, his legacy will continue to live on.

If There Were No Song

Hello all! It's been awhile - hasn't it? I didn't mean to be away for so long. But I'm back in school now and my schedule is like who done it and why. I'm in the dual IT/MBA degree program. Though the work hasn't been exceptionally difficult - being up late damn near every night of the work week (and weekend) has been kicking me in the butt. I'm so tired and exhausted I'm delirious. I had three online classes this semester. One was a 6-week class. It seemed like I had more assignments and reading in that class than I had in my regular 12-week classes. I was very happy having successfully completed that class and lightening the load (ever so slightly). My grades have been pretty good thus far. At this point - balance is key. Cause working full-time and going to school part-time and not getting adequate sleep is not going work for the duration. I'll get it together though. I have faith. With change comes adjustments. I'll be fine.

Personally things are fine. My bf moved in officially last month. We've taken the next big step. And we seem to have adjusted quite well to this. We haven't killed each other yet or had any blowout bash arguments. If something pops up or pisses us off - we talk about it right then and there. We get it out in the open and try to resolve it as best as we can. Our open-line of communication is one of the reasons why our relationship is so strong. We talk about everything. And we realize that we need to be on the same page if we want to keep things moving in a positive direction... Oh - how I love him! He's been so good to me. He supports me like no other. He has my back. He respects, appreciates, and accepts me - completely. And he's not afraid to go there with me or put me in place when I go off the deep end. And I lovingly, willingly, graciously, freely do the same thing in return.

As of today, I'll be starting a project that I'll call my "101 Days Project"This project will consist of my musings on various things in my everyday life - be it the workday, home life, music, movies, books, quotes, current events... I may be responding to something I saw, heard, or read. My responses may be take shape in the form of poetry, song lyrics, images, drawings, free writing, you name it. Anything is fair game here. It'll be creative but also be a learning experience for me (and maybe you too). And I figured BuddahDesmond's Rapture is the best repository for the project. Another good thing is my "101 Days Project" will get me into the habit of posting on a regular, daily basis (something I have not quite been able to do since starting this blog a little over 5 years ago). So stayed tuned as the project progresses for the next 101 Days.

Life is music. Simple. Complex. And everything in between. We're players in it. Musicians, singers, writers, producers, and executives. Each day is a song. Each has it's own tempo, theme, mood, depth, feeling, subject matter... Some days we're all singing the same song in unison or different keys. Other days we're singing our own uniquely different tunes. They're colorful. They're bombastic. They're jubilant. They're melancholy. They're all this and so much more. If there were no song - could we live? Could we be? If there were no song - I doubt hardly that we'd exist.

Until next time... Have a great weekend!

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Now playing: Pitbull - Can't Stop Me Now
via FoxyTunes

Blogiversary + Interview + Reviews

Wassup Blogworld?!! Hope everything is cool. It's been a minute since I've updated. Life has been keeping me busy personally and professionally. Things are going well though. I've been so busy I missed my own 4-year Blogiversary. Happy Blogiversary to BuddahDesmond's Rapture! Can't believe it's been that long. Lots of life changes since then (all for the better - thank god). But one thing's for sure - I'm much happier now than I was when I started blogging. I feel so much stronger, wiser, and better about various facets of myself and my life. It's an ongoing process. The internal work is never seems to be done. Even when it's all good there's always room for improvement. As I reminisce, I may update this post with links to some of my favorite posts over the last few years.

Be sure to check out my interview on the Encore Status Entertainment website with indie singer/songwriter/performer Lafonda a.k.a. The Bronx Bombshell. Also, check out my review of Maxwell's BLACKsummers'night and Vanessa Williams's The Real Thing on the Pictures and Frames website.

Until next time, be safe. Have a great weekend!

~ BuddahDesmond

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Now playing: Chrisette Michele - Epiphany
via FoxyTunes