Day 13: At the Fork in the Road

I've been sitting at my computer for several hours this evening...  Much of it was spent staring at the screen, staring into space, or staring at the tablet of paper I'd been scribbling on.  I couldn't concentrate for the life of me.  I've been so busy at work (and kinda at home) that I don't think my mind has been able to rest unless I was actually sleeping.  And if it lingers for too long - I start to get pissed and will get really close to saying "fuck it."  With the schedule I have and the deadlines between work, school, and my personal life - I don't always have the luxury of saying "fuck it."  But I've been more than willing to pay the consequences when I did it in the past...lol.

At this point in my professional life, I feel as if I'm longing, yearning for more.  I love the job and what I'm doing (or what I've done).  But I'm just not feeling that fulfilled.  I'm bored.  I feel as if I'm on auto-tune...just going thru the motions - not anywhere near as enthusiastic as I used to be.  And this is something that has not changed in the last few months.  And the feelings seem to be strengthening.  I feel like I need to be challenged in new and exciting ways.  And I'm just not seeing it where I am now.  That is unless things change.  We're still in the midst of re-organization (however this process hasn't been addressed to us formally since April 2009).  We just turned in our performance appraisals a few weeks ago.  It'll be awhile before our supervisor gets back to us about them.  I can say that I did quite a bit in 2009 and I did it all to the best of my ability.  But am I that thrilled about any of it anymore?  No, not really.  On top of that, I just don't feel as if I fit in with department anymore.  I feel kinda out of place.  The culture in my department has/is changing again - and it's changing rapidly.  Nothing like what it used to be in first two years.  And I'm not sure that that's a good thing either.

So I think I've come to the fork in the road.  I'm at the crossroads.  And the part that worries (and I'm not sure that "worries" is the best word) me most is the fact that I haven't quite figured out what to do about it.  I don't necessarily want to leave the company.  And I don't want to leave the people I've become close with.  But I don't want to squalor in complacency or contempt either.  I'm blessed to have bit a talents, gifts, skills, and experience to pull from.  It's just a matter of what I'm going to pull from and where do I want it to take me next.  Whatever it is - I'm sure I'll make the best decision I see fit for me personally and professionally.  I just hope and pray it'll go well.  One things for sure - I cannot afford to be depressed about my worklife.  I don't have time for that shit.  Gotta keep it moving if that's the case.  I'll just have to hold tight however, until something else/better comes along. Pray for me...

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