Free (from 'Prevail')

I want to be free.
I want to feel free.
I want to be able to
fly and soar freely,
without limitations.

I want to be me—
the complete me,
not the PC version,
or the edited version
intended for major mainstream and retail consumption.
It’s not to offend.
It’s about letting loose,
being in my element
without worry, care, or defense,
because I haven’t found that place yet.

I’m still trying to find that
place where I can feel at home.
But when I find it
I’ll know.
I’ll be so comfortable and carefree,
So magnificently me
That I almost won’t be able to stand myself.
That’s when I’ll be whole.

When I find it I’ll be more than content.
That’s when I can be me—
unadulterated, unedited and unscripted.
Yes, that’s when I’ll be free.

© 2012 BuddahDesmond 

"Free" is featured in the "Life" section of Prevail: Poems on Life, Love, and Politics. Prevail is available at iUniverse, Amazon (Paperback | Hardcover | Kindle), Barnes & Noble, Book-A-Million (Paperback | Hardcover), and other retailers.    

Related Post:
Happy 1st Anniversary to 'Prevail'!
101 Days Project: Prevail
BuddahDesmond Featured in MOOV Magazine 
BuddahDesmond to Appear on Black Authors Network Radio Show on 12/10/12 at 8:30PM EST
Full Poetry Reading from OutWrite 2012 
5 Minutes, 5 Questions With... BuddahDesmond on JoeyPinkney.com

A Personal Reflection on Father's Day

Father's day has always been a strange day for me.  I grew up in a single-parent household with a mother who was more than capable of holding down the roles of both parents.  My father did not take an active role in my life.  With the exception of visits and phone calls here and there, he was a quasi-presence, an oddity, an elusive figure (still is).  After 31 years, I must admit that it's a shame when you still don't know your own father (and he doesn't know you either).

I'm at a point now where the hope of any real relationship or bonding with him is somewhat faint.  If it happens, great.  If it doesn't that's fine, too.  Sad, but fine.  Guess when the child grows up it becomes harder for the parent to relate after being away for so long.  Or maybe they're apprehensive or scared to connect because they feel you may reject them.  Maybe it's guilt.  Or the scars that linger from their own father's absence and abandon that prevents them from doing the right thing with their own child/children.

I've had countless discussions over the years with my mother about why my father was rarely around.  And she always gave me her honest answers, without bashing my father in any way.  Most importantly, she did not want me blaming myself for his absence.  As a child, it was still hard not to feel this way because I didn't yet understand all of the reasons why.  No matter what, a bit of pain, sadness, and anger remained.  As I mentioned in a previous post, my insecurities, feelings of rejections, depression, and thinking I wasn't "good enough" stem from my father not being around.  I've spent an extensive amount of time working on this over the years.

The last time I spoke with my father was about three years ago.  He began telling me what he thought I wanted to hear about why he was never around, but not what I needed to here.  He said he wanted to try to have a real relationship with me, or in other words "start fresh."  Honestly, I was taken aback.  First of all, the phone call was out of the blue (as they always are).  And second of all, the whole scenario was giving me the "here we go again" feeling.  While I was open to the possibility, I wondered if he actually meant it.  Did he truly want to reconcile?  Would he actually follow through?

The memories of my father saying he was going to do something and never actually following through with it are the ones that cut the deepest.  I remember how I felt during those times, and I knew that I did not wish to go back to feeling that way ever again.  And now three years have gone by, and we're still right back where we were three, five, seven, ten, fifteen years prior.   

Maybe one day, things will change.  Maybe they won't.  Maybe I'll have to extend myself even more (than I have over the years) to try to move things along.  Sometimes people do need the extra push and encouragement to make change happen.  But one does have to ask, at what point is enough enough?  I welcome the chance to reconcile as long as my father is serious about it.  I have no intentions however, of being strung along anymore.  That's pain I don't need.

Whatever happens is destined for reasons that only divine knows at this point.  Realize, I hold no grudges.  I've forgiven my father (and myself) for it all.  I wish nothing but the best for him in all things.  And I just wanted to say, Happy Father's Day!

__________________________________________

Happy Father's Day to all fathers!  Never underestimate the role you play in your child's life.  Never take for granted how pivotal you are in your child's growth and development.  Your presence (physical and emotional), involvement, guidance, and support is more powerful and significant than you may think.  Be engaged.  Be committed.  Be present.  We need you.

Happy 1st Anniversary to 'Prevail'!

  
Wow, it's been one year since I published my first book Prevail: Poems on Life, Love, and Politics.  I still recall the happiness and sense of accomplishment I felt holding Prevail in my own hands for the first time.  Prevail represents a dream come true.  I stuck to my guns and made it happen.  Not without a lot of support though.  I couldn't have done it without those (my spouse, family, friends, and mentors) who've encouraged me along the way.  

It was a rocky journey making the dream happen.  If I'd listened to all the things people told me—that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't fit the mold, that I didn't do things the traditional way (as if that's something wrong)—I wouldn't have this book or anything else published.  I wouldn't be working on my next book.  I would've stopped writing... I would've stopped doing a lot of things.  But I didn't.  I persevered.  Yet I know there's still much more to do.  More dreams to achieve.  Still more to learn.  More platform building to do.  Many more people to connect and build genuine relationships with.  More outreach.  And I welcome it all.

As I say in the introduction of Prevail, "We never know what's coming to us in this life, but we do know that if we get through it—whatever it is—we will be better, stronger, and wiser. No matter what, we know we must prevail."  

Thank you for your support!  Until next time... Peace, Love, and Many Blessings, BuddahDesmond

Prevail is available at iUniverse, Amazon (Paperback | Hardcover | Kindle), Barnes & Noble, Book-A-Million (Paperback | Hardcover), and other retailers.

Related Posts:
BuddahDesmond Appearing at the Baltimore Urban Book Festival (BUBF) on 7/14/13
101 Days Project: Prevail
Nothing But Love
The Music of Life
It's Not That Serious
Happily Ever After?
Desperation
Gone Too Soon

BuddahDesmond Appearing at the Baltimore Urban Book Festival (BUBF) on 7/14/13

Image courtesy of the BUBF site.

I'm happy to announce that I'll be one of the authors featured at the Baltimore Urban Book Festival (BUBF) on July 14, 2013 from 12PM-6PM.  The event will take place at the Frederick Douglass-Isaac Myers Maritime Museum located at 1417 Thames Street, Baltimore, MD 21231.  Some of the headlining authors include Angela Stanton, Caroline Jhingory, Donna Hill, Sadequa Johnson, and Wahida Clark.  I'll also be one of the poets featured alongside Anthony Tyrone Pressley, Monda Raquel Webb, Michelle Lynn Stephens, and Sharon Clarkson during the Spoken Word Hour from 2:30PM-3:30PM. 

As mentioned on the BUBF website, "The mission of the Baltimore Urban Book Festival is to cultivate an environment where cultural book authors and readers have an annual opportunity to celebrate literature in a setting that encourages,educates and entertains everyone from the new reader learning phonics to the full fledged book worm." 

Aside from the Frederick Douglass-Isaac Myers Maritime Museum, sponsors include Ella D. Curry Creations, The Literary Network, AALBC.com, The Baltimore Times, Mahogany Books, MosaicBooks.com, A.B.L.E. (Alliance for Black Literature & Entertainment), and the TLJ Bookstore. 

I'm looking forward to sharing my work and connecting with other authors, prospective readers, vendors, and the many organizations who'll be in attendance.

If you're in the Baltimore or DC Metro Area around the second weekend of July, please come support the event!

Until next time... Peace, Love, and Many Blessings, BuddahDesmond